Monday, January 30, 2006

Well Alright!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations Hamas!!!!!!! Once a zany group of clowns who attended childrens party's, made balloon animals, let kids play with baby camels and blew up Israeli's...well no more! Like all middle aged hippies they wised up and realized that money and not spiritualism makes the world go around. So, like those hippies from the Woodstock era, Hamas has put their followers in suits and ties and sent them into the real world to earn an honest living, well as honest as a life in politics can be.
Like their Woodstock era pals, Hamas has realized that the really big money in this crazy world is to be made by sucking it out of the United States treasury. Thats right, the folks who once felt at home driving in a car bomb are now at home in new Mercedes S-Class mega-limo's! Boy did these guys smarten up in a hurry!
Of course there has to be a catch. The bad boy from Texas finds himself in somewhat of a quandry. The United States does not fund terrorist organisations and for some reason Hamas is listed among terrorist organizations like Al Qaeda (Worldwide), G.O.P. (Congress), Nationalist Liberation Army (Columbia), E.T.A. (Spain), R.N.C. (Whitehouse), I.R.A. (Paddy's Ale House), among others. The big problem is with Congress who aren't really in a giving mood to most of these groups after the disaster of the Tom Delay scandal. (Did he actually think he could redistrict part of Texas into Cuba?) Add to this the plot by the Jack Abramoff to sell most of central U.S. to K.A.O.S. (luckily foiled by "Smart" people.)
Unfortunately, if the United States stops sending $400 million per year to stabilize the Palestinian Authority and keep thousands of Palestinians employed there could be a run on the Jerusalem tabouli market. This of course would cause a domino effect worldwide with futures in the falafel, hommus, gyro and souvlaki sectors being adversely affected. A run on these sectors must inevitibly lead to a strain on the world weiner supply. No bucks = No Dirty Dogs.
Luckily I have been thinking about this problem and I am happy to offer my solution to the President. Mr.Bush can keep the aid flowing but not as "aid" per say. Instead he can claim he is funding a "faith based initiative." This will keep Palestinians and his conservative religious based happy.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Heeeeeeres Ted!

Ah, a classic pose of the great man himself. Look at those wise eyes and that egalitarian posture and noble face. No, not the grey haired guy in the background, TED!!!!! What do you mean he looks like a frog in a suit?

Look! Elvis!!!!!

Welcome to The Ted Stevens Appreciation Society. You know, once in a while a special character comes along who is truly worth making that extra effort for, Senator Ted Stevens is one such character.

As the weeks roll along we will discuss Ted and his hilarious hijinks along with many other things. Politics will be the overwhelming core of the blog but every topic from atheism to Zebra buggering will be covered. (Yes I said Zebra buggering.) Feel free to express yourself in any way, language, explitive, death threat, excrement, spital, sputum, etc.

My hope is that I will piss you off, enlighten you, make you laugh, make you cry but mainly just piss you off.

Elvis? What has he got to do with Ted Stevens? Maybe he got his groove on to create Ted Jr.? (More on the Stevens offspring later) No Elvis has little to do with Ted or TSAS. On Wednesday afternoons I would cut school sports and head to a nearby club to play some pool. Pool was popular because it was much easier than snooker. Of course being 18 and full of amber nectar we young bucks were always finding ways to outdo our buds. Some guys would take their pool cues and smack the guy making a shot so they would miss. Some guys would yell out "my turn to buy" just as someone was taking their shot. My big trick was to wait until my opponent had taken his pull back and was just starting his forward stroke. At this point I would point behind him and yell "Look!! Its Elvis!!!" This little trick invariably caused my opponent to turn his head and sy the memorable words "huh? Where?"

Well politicians are just like 18 years old pool jockeys. They are willing to yell "Look! Elvis!!!"at any time they want to distract voters, the media or just other politicians. Ecomomy hits the toilet "Look! Elvis!!" and we've invaded Iraq. $4 Trillion dollar budget "Look! Elvis!!!" and all of a sudden Gay marriage. I have to admit that they are much better at it than I ever was.

If only the Democrats could learn to use it....

As always, if you dont like the blog please feel free to slash the seat your sitting on. Here's to Ted!